Will this EVER get better?

When I left for my part time job tonight I did my usual routine of going over and giving Bella a kiss and telling her I would be back soon. Without even thinking as I left the house I'll bellowed out "Be good my girls I'll see you when I get home. God watch over you and take care of you while I'm gone "I shut the door behind me got in the jeep and realized I had said goodbye to both my girls. That's the first time I have done that since clover passed. When it hit me that I had done that I broke down crying. I needed to pull myself together though because I was on my way to work and it was only a three minute commute so I didn't really have time to fall apart. I got through the rest of the night fine and was distracted by work. When I came upstairs to go to sleep for the night I took Bella underneath the covers where she likes to be shut out the lights and set up my Calm bedtime story and prepared to go to sleep. I looked at the window next to my bed. It was one of Clover's favorite spots. I could see her with her little chin and paws on the windowsill breathing in the crisp night time fall air. A very quietly told Clover good night and that I loved her. And once again I fell completely apart. I began talking to her remembering how every morning she would crawl up on my chest and give me kisses and I would hold her paws and tell her how cute they were. Through my tears I asked to come and visit me in my dreams. I just wanted to be able to see her again. I realized as I was inconsolable again that I would just need to get up and write. I needed to write about how I wonder if I'll ever feel normal again. Maybe normal isn't the right word but I wonder if I'll ever stop crying. I wonder if this horrific ache will ease up so that every little white dog I see doesn't send me over the edge into a cascade of tears. I wonder if I'll ever stop feeling like no one understands just how bad it hurts. Believe me if you're here reading this I know that you know how much it hurts and that you understand too. I wonder if I'll ever be able to look at the window by the bed without sobbing. I wonder if the bitch slaps will stop coming out of nowhere multiple times a day. I wonder if I'll ever feel a sense of peace again. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder. I don't remember much after Sammy passed away. I rely on my best friend to fill in those gaps. I know for a fact I won't have those gaps with Clover. I try to remember that at some point somewhere along the line something gave me room to breathe after Sammy died. I don't remember how long or when, but I do know that it got better. At some point, I was able to see a photo of him without breaking down.. I do know that there came a time when I visited his little gravesite and didn't become a heaping sobbing mess. And I do know that I was able to open my heart up again not once but twice so I do know at some point in time I will integrate this new reality into my life and adjust better. I just don't know when. But while I'm waiting for this to get better I just have to remember it's just gonna be hard and there's really not much else I can do other than go through it and be patient. All the while I have to remember grief does not have a time frame and some days it's more difficult than others and that's just how it is.

Will this EVER get better? It will. I know that because I've lived this before with Sammy's loss. My pain of losing Clover will never go away but it will incorporate itself better into my life and I will develop a new normal without her. I will remember her one day without sobbing and I'll be able to see a picture of her and not feel a crushing weight on my chest. But that's not going to be today, or tomorrow. It may not be in a couple of months. I don't know when it will be, but I do know someday it will be and until then I hold this thought: Grief is like a wave. It builds up to a point and you will either surf it or sink in it, but no matter what, the wave will always come crashing down and then quietly integrate with the rest of the water and go back out to sea and all will be still again until the next wave starts to build.