Riding the Unknown When roller coaster

In 2016 when Clover was 5, she had her third bout of pancreatitis in two years. I asked the vet why this was as she had no risk factors for this. She wasn't overweight, she didn't get table scraps, and she didn't get into things she wasn't supposed to.. The vet stated that this "just happens" in some dogs and it's a mystery. Well that's super comforting. Thanks. You know how they say there's a reason for everything? Well turns out that Clover's three pancreatitis episodes were really a saving grace. The vet suggested we do an ultrasound on her liver to ensure there wasn't something blocking anything causing these repeated attacks. I agreed so that if something were up then we could treat it and go on from there. I agreed as I didn't want her to have to keep experiencing this.When the results were in the vet said to me "The good news is her liver looks great. There's no issues with that or the pancreas." Okay...well clearly there's a but coming........
"The bad news is we saw some thickening around her heart indicating mitral valve disease." She explained that some dogs have this and live out their lives to die of something else, but others go on to experience heart disease and eventually congestive heart failure. She informed me her heart murmur was still a grade 2. Okay there's a vet visit no one wants. Go in to see what's causing pancreatitis, leave knowing your dog could die of congestive heart failure. Now there's something I didn't expect. The vet explained all the warning signs of CHF. Coughing, panting, loss of appetite, difficulty breathing and increase respirations. She reminded me that this wasn't a definite but that was little consolation to me. I worry. I also can catastrophize. I think it was months before I stopped watching her breathe at night to ensure she wasn't dying before my eyes.

In August of 2019, I noted Clover began coughing. Coughing was the sign that stuck out in my head most. Denial is a wonderful thing though, it tries hard to protect you. Allergies maybe? Or the vet suggested kennel cough as it "was going around even in dogs who aren't around other dogs". She prescribed antibiotics. After finishing the antibiotics, the coughing didn't stop. I knew in my heart where this was going. I brought her back to the vet. "She's still coughing". The vet examined her and when she listened to her heart she said "Wow, that's a humdinger of a heart murmur". I could feel the blood drain from my face. That's another sign. "What grade is it now?" The vet said "I'd say it's a three". She suggested an ultrasound to see what we were up against.

On 9/30/19 I got on a roller coaster ride. I brought Clover in for her ultrasound. "Severe heart disease and enlargement of the left valve. Grade 4-5 heart murmur (6 is as high as they go), EKG normal, no signs of high blood pressure. She was started on medication right away (Vetmendin). I never liked roller coasters. I get sick on them. This roller coaster was no different. You get this information and you buckle in. You ride up waiting for that dip down. Each turn is filled with uncertainty, your stomach drops, and you white knuckle the handlebar just trying to hold on. You know this ride is going to end at some point but you don't know when. Of this whole journey that's what scared me most, the unknown when. When I got home that day my emotions were all over the place. My first thought was thank goodness she had pancreatitis because I would have never known about the heart issue and would have settled on kennel cough. Most likely if left untreated her heart condition would have deteriorated and she would have likely died sooner. But I was heartbroken. I was scared, unsure, worried. Worried about what next, worried about the finances, worried about my dog suffering.Her initial follow up in January of 2020 showed promise. It showed her heart had shrunk significantly. I was told she would most likely do well on the medication for at least 9 months. In March of 2020 I brought her back in as she wasn't doing great. This time the news was bad. The left side of her heart was even more enlarged and she had a grade 5/6 murmur. The vet thought he heard crackling in her lungs so he added 3 more medications. It had been only two months. The vet said "This happens with some dogs and we don't know why. Some dogs do well for years and others for weeks".

It took me time to incorporate all of this into my world. My life now revolved around my baby girl and her schedule. 7:30 a.m meds on an empty stomach, 8:30 breakfast 8:45 medication and supplements. 5:15 medication that should be given with food. 5:30 dinner time so we could wait two hours to give her meds on a digested stomach at 7:30 pm and finally at 9:00 pm night time medications. Packing her medication for the week was a half hour project at best. Everything revolved around Clover and making sure she got the best care. The good news is she hadn't gone into CHF yet.And that was my goal to keep her out of CHF as long as I could.

On July 26, 2020 I woke up early. Clover who had been sleeping under the bed as of recently came out and wagged her tail at me. I picked her up and put her on the bed. It was 5:45 a.m. Her respiratory rate was out of control. Her heart was pounding so hard I thought it was going to burst through her chest. I looked at my other dog Bella and said "It's time Bella, I have to bring Clover to the hospital". She understood and laid down. I rushed Clover to the ER where they took x-rays and found her lungs filled with fluid. My brain couldn't comprehend. How could this be? She was just taking a walk a couple of days ago and bounding up the stairs to bed at night. The ER vet explained that she should be admitted and they would try to get her out of CHF. Clover was there for two days. She saw the cardiologist who changed her medication. He explained because the previous vet put her on Lasix when there was no fluid in her lungs, the lasix essentially was useless now. I wish I had known that but now it doesn't make a difference. I would encourage anyone who has a dog with MVD to question everything, but also to at least talk to a cardiologist once. I wish I had. But that's neither here nor there. The Cardiologist explained that once the first episode of CHF happens, most dogs can live an average of 8 months to a year. I was aware of this because of the dogs in my support group. Some lived years, some lived months, others days. I knew everything was a possibility. I went to pick her up and bring her home. Her lungs were finally cleared and she had new medication. I was so happy to have her home, but I could tell she wasn't herself. I kept hoping that she just needed time to adjust on the new meds and get over the trauma of it all. Deep down inside, I knew. I knew what was coming in a matter of days, but I decided I wouldn't put a time stamp on Clover. I would just love her every second I had her with me. In the middle of the night of Saturday August 1, she jumped up on the couch with me to sleep. I had been sleeping downstairs as she didn't want to be anywhere but under the couch. "Oh that's a great sign, she must be feeling better" I thought. Sadly, just a couple hours later I would notice her to be breathing poorly, pounding heart and purplish gums and tongue. I had promised Clover I would never let her suffer. I knew driving her in it was bad. The ER vet confirmed my fears and informed me after taking x-rays again this time it was worse than the first. Her lungs were filled up with even more fluid. You could tell she was trying to find a nice way to say it's time, but I told her I had made a promise to Clover that I wouldn't perpetuate her suffering because I couldn't let go. I asked if I had time to go home and get my other dog.and she said I did, that Clover was doing better in the oxygen tent so she wasn't suffering. On Saturday August 1, 2020 I had to say goodbye. I was able to hold her in my arms and she still was giving me kisses up until the last moment. There in the room with my best friend, my other dog Bella, and the vet, I was able to sing Clover to sleep as I had done my Sam. I had my hand on her chest as she was receiving the medicine and I felt that horrible pounding stop and I realized she was free. She was able to run again without coughing, without having trouble breathing, and without a pounding heart.

If I had to go back in time knowing what I know, would I still adopt her? Without a second thought, I say a resounding yes. My life with her was so full. Had I never adopted her, I wouldn't have known the love, pure joy, sweetness and kindness this baby girl had in her soul. I would be less of a person having not known and loved her.  I would ride that roller coaster all over again no matter what because she was mine and I couldn't have been more blessed to be able to say so.  I love you Clover.