Greilief                                 

What you get when you combine grief and relief (and maybe a little guilt too)

I think that's a word that should be added to the dictionary. It pretty much describes what I experienced after both Sammy and Clover passed. Relief when my dog died? Yup. Relief. Truly the relief really only applies to when you have cared for an ailing or elderly dog. There's no relief when a dog passes suddenly or traumatically but for those of us who cared for a dog with a chronic condition there is a sense of relief when that dog passes. The thing about acknowledging the relief it comes with a price tag of guilt. Certainly you must be horrible to experience relief when your dog passes right? Nope. There is a big difference to being relieved and feeling relief.

When Sammy passed, I had been caring for him for 2 years. He only took one medication a day, but he was housebound, he didn't drink anymore because he forgot how. I had to make puppy soup for him pretty consistently because he still ate and it was the only way I could hydrate him. He lost all house training and he didn't do anything anymore. He was too afraid. And I know for sure, sadly, that he had no idea who I was in the end. Clover on the other hand had medication four times a day. I had to make sure she got one of her medications on an empty stomach. She would get that medication one hour before eating or two hours after eating so her feeding schedule had to be pretty regimented. Then the other medication she had, I needed to give that with food. She had to have a pretty strict schedule in general to make sure she got everything on time and as directed. There were monthly refills, follow up bloodwork to make sure her kidneys were still working, constant monitoring of her breathing, feeding her enough but not too much and the list goes on and on.

They were two very different circumstances but the one thing that they shared? The unknown when. Sammy was up and down all the time, Clover it happened quickly. But in both instances I was on high alert all the time, making sure I paid attention, and wondering when would the day come. I tried to stay in the moment as much as possible with Clover (I didn't have that skill when Sammy died) but there were days it was so hard not to worry.

After Sammy passed I remembered feeling horrendous grief but also so confused that there was this sense of relief to his passing. How in the hell can I feel relief that my dog is gone? Easy, I didn't. I was relieved his illness and all the responsibility that came with it was gone. I was able to confide in a couple of friends about this and they assured me, this is a normal part of the process when anyone or any pet for whom you have been primary caregiver passes. That in itself was a relief. Relieved to feel relief.

I was relieved I didn't have to worry about the vet visits and the money. I was relieved that I could go out to take photographs but not worry about being home in time to feed Clover or give her medications. I was relieved that when there was a thunderstorm neither dog had to be scared anymore. I was relieved they weren't suffering anymore and most of all I was relieved I didn't have to anticipate when anymore. I didn't have to be afraid of that day anymore because it had come. I was relieved their illness and all that came with it, sleepless nights, financial worries, how would I live without my dog, all of that worry was gone. But in it's place is now the grief. What I wouldn't do to not have that relief so I didn't have the grief.

Hence, this is why I think there should be a new word created. Grelief. Then you could add Grelief guilt, that guilt you feel through your grief about having relief. What I know now is this. It's okay to feel the relief. It doesn't make you bad. It doesn't mean you didn't love your fur baby. It sure as hell doesn't mean you are glad your dog is gone. It means it's a common thing that happens after you have taken care of an ailing or elderly dog for so long that your body and mind are getting a break. It means you don't have to worry about finding a way to pay for your dogs next echocardiogram. It means you are experiencing a caretakers ability to breathe again. Unfortunately, it also means that the relief will pass and you realize you feel out of place because your own structure has been stopped. The ridgid way you have been living to care for and give your fur baby your best is no longer a need which also now means it's time to deal with the grief. A long time ago I used to think that old adage "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" was a load of crap. After having Sammy and Clover, loving them, and experiencing their loss I have to say definitively it IS better to have loved and lost because had I never had them and loved them, I'd be way less of a person.