Choking out the words           While trying not to cry

Walking Bella today I passed one of my neighbor's houses where the grandparents, mom, and baby were sitting outside. Bella stopped to say hi through the fence as she always does with any neighbors (only when she's being polite though, more often she charges up the steps of her favorites to say hi). The grandmother turned around and said "Oh is that Bella and...." She was taken aback for a second as she only saw one dog. I'm not exactly sure what she was thinking as she paused but I finished her sentence "Clover". She turned and looked at me with recognition "Yeah, Bella and Clover". I feel the lump in my throat. I choke the words out "Clover died". Both mom and Grandmom groan with sadness. "I'm so sorry.." they said. I thanked them. The mother said "I knew she had been sick..." I explained that she passed from CHF within 6 days of her first episode. The mom asked how Bella was doing and I was able to tell her the story of Bella going with us. I knew I couldn't say much more so I turned the conversation to Bella and how she's back to her ever beastly self. Mom brought the baby out to say hi. We then meandered on our way.

This was the third time someone took me off guard about Clover. I was more so surprised because the three people weren't anyone I would have expected to ask about her. Each time I was asked, I could feel my heart skip a beat and I could feel the blank stare as I was processing their words of "Where's Clover?". Each time I responded quietly, "Clover died" choking on those horrible words. Each time I was met with the same sad groan. Each time I felt myself have to internally say "Don't cry". I'm okay with crying in front of a lot of my neighbors because most of them knew her and loved her, but some people I don't know well enough. I'm already feeling vulnerable because I am taken off guard, but then to cry on top of that, well that's just a little too much for me.

On one hand I think to myself, I'm so glad they remember her and are looking for her and at some point I"ll be sad when people stop asking because everyone will know not to ask, because they don't have to,  and people will just go about now knowing Bella.  But for me, she's not here anymore and I'm still hating that, and I'm still angry about that. I wanted her to live forever, and I want her back sitting on the other side of me while Bella is sleeping on the right side of me currently. But that's not going to happen and I guess I have to swallow that reality while choking on my own words in my own head.