Bitch Slapped

Bitch Slapped as defined by Wiktionary: An open handed slap to the face

Usage: often used to refer to an especially strong or completely unexpected slap

Sammy had been gone somewhere between 2-3 months when one day I wanted to make chicken salad. I got my chicken from the fridge, put some water in a pot, put the chicken in, turned on the stove and covered the pot to let the chicken start to boil. After about 15 minutes, I went to check on the chicken. I took the lid off the pot and the odor of boiling chicken went right into my nose....and I started to bawl. Yep, bitch slapped by reality. Or life. Or both. I used to boil chicken for Sammy when his belly wasn't feeling good. This was the first time I had boiled chicken since he had passed. I was not feeling sad when I cooked it, I was looking forward to chicken salad. I wasn't thinking of him when I opened the pot, it was an overall good day. Odor is a very strong memory trigger and clearly the smell of boiled chicken brought me right back to cooking for Sammy and the reality that he wasn't here anymore.

That's the thing about grief though. There's no time frame for it. There's no stamp that tells you when grief is going to expire simply because, well, it doesn't and sometimes the hardest thing about grief is it can sneak up behind you, tap you on the shoulder and then bitch slap you across the room when you least expect it. Mind you, it doesn't care if it's been a day, a week, a month, a year or a decade. When grief wants to sneak up on you it just does. Sammy's 10th anniversary was particularly difficult. Maybe because a decade without him had passed. I'm not sure why but that whole day I couldn't really compose myself. I had both my girls and I didn't know Clover was sick yet but even though they were here it didn't ease my grief. I just had to ride the wave and I knew it would pass. And it did, the next day I was better and I was able to resume my life as it had come to be over the past 10 years. This year his passing was so different with Clover passing just 28 days before his anniversary. I didn't forget him, and I honored him like I do every year but the grief didn't bring me to my knees this year. It was a bit odd for me as it's always been his day. Maybe it felt like a betrayal, I'm not sure. And at the same time I was glad I could remember him without the excruciating pain. That belongs to Clover at the moment, but I was able to take comfort in Sammy's memory. His anniversary wasn't just about his death. It was about remembering him and what he means to me.

And while Clover has only been gone one month and two days, grief has still found a way to sneak in a bitch slap here and there. Like when I went to get my mail and in my mailbox I found two handwritten notes from my neighbors little girls. The 5- year- old had written that she was sorry about Clover and put a sticker and a real sea shell on the paper. The older one put we will miss Clover very much and put a paw print. I had no idea that would be in my mailbox and as soon as I opened them and saw what they were, there on my lawn I broke out in uncontrollable tears. I didn't see it coming (Essentially a perfect bitch slap by life)

I guess really what it boils down to (Oh, huh, no pun intended) is that there is no timeline for grief. There is no road map, no sensor, nothing to tell you when it's going to hit and how hard it will hit. And like any slap, it sure stings when it comes out of the blue but I try to remember that grief is really reminding you of the amount of love you shared with your fur baby. The harder you grieve, the harder you loved. And that can apply to anyone or anything. So I guess as I travel this road of grief and loss of an absolutely beloved fur baby again I will just be ready to not be ready and make sure I have some sort of soothing balm on hand (like a good cry, talking to my friends, my other dog Bella, any of my hobbies) or maybe I'll just need a good surfboard to make sure I ride the wave until it comes crashing to shore and life goes back to it's regularly scheduled programming and just make sure I remember I survived that bitch slap, I'll survive the other ones coming in the future.